The Edgetarians
by Jaha Canon
Summary: Ed learns the truth about fried chicken. one shot


**The Ed-getarians**

**By: Jaha Canon**

**Disclaimer: Freedom is having nothing to lose?? I have nothing, so I am free. **

"Good morning, Ed!" greeted Edd cheerfully as he climbed through Ed's window and down the ladder. He took care not to step in the mysterious substance that oozed on the floor.

"Hullo, Double D!" Ed replied warmly, waving one hand. In his other hand was a fried chicken leg.

Edd looked concerned, "Ed? Do you eat that for breakfast everyday?"

Ed nodded, "Yup!"

"Ed…" Edd spoke gently, "you need to start eating healthier breakfasts in the morning, especially since all you eat is gravy and more chicken throughout the day."

Ed stared blankly at Edd for a while, before shaking his head and chuckling, "Nuh uh. I don't eat chicken, this is just fried chicken."

Before Edd could comment again, he saw Ed's eyes pop open.

"Ed?" Edd asked cautiously after a moment of nervous silence.

"I'M A CANNIBAL!" Ed screamed loudly without bothering to move farther from Edd's ears.

Edd cringed and covered his ears. "Ed, what do you mean by that? Eating fried chicken doesn't make you a cannibal-" He trailed off watching Ed pace quickly around the room frantically, causing dents to appear in the wall, tears forming in his eyes. "….Ed?"

"FRIED CHICKEN IS CHICKEN, DOUBLE D!" Ed exclaimed. He collapsed onto his bed and began sobbing into his pillow.

Realization dawned on the smarter of the two. The sock headed boy pulled out a clean towel that he carried for this kind of occasion and placed it on the bed so he could sit next to Ed. He sat and began patting Ed on the back. "Now Ed-" he began.

"Gertrude HATES me!" came Ed's muffled and anguished voice.

"Don't worry, Ed, Gertrude and Rolf's other chickens love you, or else they wouldn't let you hug them." Edd said reassuringly.

Ed rolled over to look Edd in the eyes, "I love chickens, Double D, and I can't eat them if they're my friends."

Edd smiled warmly, "Well, there are a lot of things you can eat instead of chicken."

A smile began to reform on Ed's face, "Gravy!"

"Of course gravy," Edd replied. "But you do remember there are other foods in other food groups, don't you, Ed?"

Ed blinked one eye, then the other.

Edd pulled a food pyramid poster out of his pocket, looked at it, and then put it away. "My apologies, this is the old pyramid." He pulled a new poster out of his pocket. "Ah, this appears to be the most current one." He held it up so Ed could see it. "Chicken fits under the 'meat and beans' category along with beef, pork…"

Ed looked worried, "And where does beef and port come from."

Edd paused, already knowing what Ed's response will be. "Cows and pigs." He replied in the gentlest voice he could muster.

Ed's head dove back into the pillow, "Ed can eat no longer!" he cried.

Edd was surprised at the lack of volume in Ed's response, but felt extremely sorry for him for not having known these things all of this time.

"You can still eat all kinds of things, Ed like: grains; vegetables; fruits; and milk products without harming any animals." Edd explained while pointing to the parts of the pyramid that correlate. "It's called being a vegetarian."

Just then, Ed's window slammed open and Eddy came jumping in. "I told you to get Ed, sockhead, not to sit around with him all day."

Edd looked crossly at Eddy, "Can't you see we're having a bit of a crisis at the moment?"

Ed, on the other hand, waved. "I'm a veterinarian, Eddy!"

"That's vegetarian, Ed." Edd corrected.

"That's a great idea!" Eddy exclaimed, "we'll start a veter- veterin- animal hospital and we'll have jawbreakers by the time the candy store is about to close. I heard that Nazz just recently got a cat!"

Ed looked excited at the idea of playing with a cat.

"Eddy, we don't have the proper credentials and experience to-" he turned and noticed his once somber friend's enthusiasm, "I suppose if Nazz's cat might be sick, we might be able to help."

"Yeah, it'll be easy." Eddy replied as he climbed back outside through the window. "We just made up some cat disease and we'll be rolling in dough."

Edd sighed and followed along with Ed.

"Hiya guys! Whatcha doing?" Jonny asked, appearing suddenly with Plank under his arm.

Eddy looked annoyed, so Edd responded quickly. "Why hello, Jonny. We're not doing much at the moment. How about you?"

Jonny didn't seem to hear Edd's question at all. "What do you mean my arm pits stink and you don't want me holding you there?" he asked Plank with an aggravated tone.

"Hi Jonny! Hi Plank!" Ed chimed in, "I'm a veteran!"

"That's vegetarian, Ed."

Jonny's eyes and smile became wider, "You're a vegetarian, Ed? Wow- me too! Plank just converted me recently. He's a vegan, you know."

"Vegan?" Eddy looked at Edd, confused, "is that one of those spiky haired guys on that Japanese cartoon show?"

"Puh-lease, Eddy," Edd replied, "it's like being a vegetarian, only they won't use milk products or clothing that comes from animals."

"Sounds stupid to me." Eddy commented, looking bored.

"Now, Eddy, it's a personal choice that individuals make. Plus vegetarian and vegan diets can be very healthy as long as they remember to supplement their lack of protein with food like nuts and tofu." Edd continued to explain.

"Plank and I have TONS of that stuff and other vegetarian stuff!" Jonny said enthusiastically.

"Jonny, perhaps you might want to consider doing something to improve your vocabul-"

"TOFU IS BAD FOR ED!" Ed exclaimed, interupting Edd.

"The lunkhead is right," Eddy added, "I heard once that tofu is worse than broccoli."

"NOT WORSE THAN BROCCOLI!" Ed screamed, panicing.

"Don't worry, Ed, tofu relatively has no taste of it's own whatsoever." Edd spoke in a reassuring tone.

"Double D's right, Ed." Jonny added, "Plank says that you should come over and try some. You're all invited."

"If you like tofu, you won't have to eat animal meat for protein." Edd said to Ed. Ed, still obviously intimidated by this strange food he was hearing about, reluctantly agreed. "I'll have some, as well, Jonny." Edd said with a smile.

"We're supposed to be raking in the cash today, not poisoning ourselves with weird _health foods._" Eddy complained.

"Tofu is a stable of the Japanese diet, Eddy," Edd explained as they made their way to Jonny's house. "It's just about as normal for them to eat tofu as it is to eat rice. Given its nutritional value, it's a wonder it's only considered to be a health food for vegetarians in this country."

"You're talking about that country that not only eats FISH, but also doesn't bother to cook it first. I'm supposed to be eating like THEM?" Eddy exclaimed.

"Uncooked fish, or sushi, is actually quite delicious," Edd's voice had a teacher like tone, "Not to mention the fact that the Japanese people have overall longer lifespans, many of them are living past 100 years of age these days."

Eddy grumbled back. He took a place around Jonny's table and watched anxiously as the boy and the plank of wood exited into the kitchen.

"Sooo…." He said getting bored and annoyed, "What happened before I came today?"

"Ed had a sudden realization that was kind of hard on him." Edd explained, while giving Ed a pat on the back.

"Fried chicken is chicken." Ed added, looking shamefully at the table.

"So what?" Eddy asked.

"So," Edd took over explaining, "because Ed doesn't want to eat animals anymore, he's going to become a vegetarian."

"WHAT?" Eddy exclaimed, "One of those weirdos? Like Jonny and Plank?"

Edd sighed, "Weren't you listening at all, Eddy?"

"Sorry about wait, guys!" Jonny said as he returned back to the dining room. He put a dish in front of Ed, "Tofu and non-meat gravy- good idea, Double D."

Hearing the mention of gravy, Ed quickly shoveled the plate's contents into his mouth. His face covered in gravy and bits of tofu, he smiled contently.

"You see, Ed? The tofu doesn't have much flavor at all, so it takes on the flavor of what you eat it with." Edd explained.

Eddy looked at the white, squishy looking food all over Ed's face and his stomach turned ill. "I can't eat this stuff!" he said as he took off out the door.

"Eddy!" Edd called in a scolding voice, "Excuse me, everyone." He got up and took off after him.

The sock headed Edd was panting when he caught up with Eddy, who was standing outside of Rolf's meat locker fiddling with the lock.

"Since when does he lock this thing, anyway?" Eddy complained.

"Eddy! It doesn't really matter whether you eat meat or not, what's important is respecting and encouraging Ed's choices. We all know that Ed's not the sharpest of all of us, but at least he has a mind of his own and he can make decisions based on what's right for him." Edd pleaded, "If it's important to Ed, support him!"

Eddy turned and looked at Edd. He knew that expression that was on his friend's face, it was the one he used when he was desperately trying to appeal to Eddy's conscience that he may or may not have. Eddy also knew that once in a great while it actually worked.

"Fine. It's not like Ed eating weird things I wouldn't touch is a new thing, anyway." Eddy responded.

Edd practically squealed at that answer. "Thank you, Eddy!" he hugged his shorter friend.

Eddy twitched and shrugged Edd off of him. "What do I care if Ed doesn't eat meat?" he said in a completely disinterested tone.

"Does Rolf's ears deceive him?" came Rolf's voice from behind them. Edd and Eddy spun around.

"Oh, hello Rolf," Edd greeted, "would you mind telling us what you are referring to?"

"The dreaded no-meat eating tribe of the south returns, yes?" Rolf asked.

"Oh, no tribe, Rolf, it's just that Ed and Jonny have decided to become vegetarians." Edd explained.

Rolf's eye twitched. "Is that so, brainy Ed boy?"

Edd began to worry, "Umm… yes, is there a problem, Rolf?"

Rolf took a deep breath in, and then let out a blood curdling battle cry. Then, he spun around and began unlocking his meat locker. "Come, Ed boys, we haven't much time before they come!" He grabbed a few giant slabs of meat and slung them over his shoulder. "Rolf will carry on the legacy of Rolf's ancestors and defend his land." He snatched both Edd and Eddy with his free arm and pushed them into the shed. "You two have no spine and honor, so you may stay here safe in Rolf's meat locker." The two Eds could only watch as the door slammed shut in front of them and hear as Rolf locked it.

--

The next morning, the door was opened again.

"Good morning, crazy Ed boys, have no worries, Rolf took care of the threat." Rolf said cheerfully. His eyes suddenly narrowed dangerously, "Now get away from Rolf's meat locker."

Edd gave Eddy a worried look as they both exited the shed and hurried off of Rolf's property. "Eddy, I'm concerned, what do you think came of Ed and Jonny?"

The two of them made their way to Jonny's house, where they found Jonny and Plank in the kitchen. Everything, including Jonny, was covered in meat juice.

"Rolf is weird, huh buddy?" Jonny made small talk with his wooden companion, unaware of Edd and Eddy's presence.

"Where's Ed, Eddy?" Edd asked anxiously as the returned back outside.

"How should I know?" Eddy answered impatiently. "Let's check his room."

They went over to Ed's house and peeked into the basement window into Ed's room.

In this middle of the room sat Ed, munching on a chicken leg.

"ED!" Edd exclaimed.

Ed turned and noticed his friends. "Hey guys!" he bounced up to them happily. He smelled the air around them, "Mmmmmm."

Eddy looked crossly at Edd, "We smell like meat, don't we?"

"It would seem so." Edd replied. He turned his attention back to Ed, "Ed, weren't you going to stop eating chicken?"

Ed stared blankly at Edd for a while, before shaking his head and chuckling, "Nuh uh. I don't eat chicken, this is just fried chicken."

Edd waited for the realization from the previous day to hit again. When it didn't seem to, he opened his mouth to say something.

Before he could, Eddy gave him a warning look that was soon followed by a warning shove into the ground.

"If I have to go through this one more time…." Eddy started.

"I know it's been a few times already, Eddy, but I'm really hoping he'll remember one of these times." Edd said as he sat up on the ground, grateful he landed in one of the cleaner parts of Ed's carpet.

Ed stared blankly at his two friends, wondering what they could be talking about. "Would you like some chicken, guys?" he offered a whole fried chicken he was keeping in his armchair.

Edd and Eddy looked at eachother, turned back to Ed, and answered in unison.

"No!"

"More for me then!"

**Probably no one around here these days was around here back then, but then is a extension of the first story that I ever posted on , called "The Hard Truth." It got deleted due to the script format, but it got pretty good reviews considering it was really short and not written very well at all. I've been wanting to extend on that story pretty much ever since the original was deleted, but there wasn't much to go off of because I didn't really have a lot to begin with. (haha). Anyway, it's been a while since I've been writing lots of Eds fics, so I'm out of practice. Sorry for any occasions in which they might've been out of character. :)**


End file.
